Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
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I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Bruh PLEASE
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.