There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
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Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.