@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
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PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Someone just threatened to call me later
This meeting could have been a cake
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.