Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
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4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.