SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
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My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.