It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
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[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
starting a garage orchestra
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.