I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
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*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!