4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
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I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched