I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
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Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler