What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
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[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people