When you let grandma cat sit
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I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying