When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
You Might Also Like
This a good idea
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Cinematography is my passion
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
This is me
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times