Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
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When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
A leaf blower, but for people.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.