I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
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If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
This is Sparta
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”