Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
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True embarrassment lies within your first email address
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people