Saving my good tweets for marriage
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I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.