Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
You Might Also Like
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”