“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
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The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK