I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
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If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I think we should hear other voices.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations