stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
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Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
You got this…
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly