“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
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I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Happy Taco Tuesday
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Ron is short for Aaronald
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?