[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
You Might Also Like
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
what are they serving at kfc then???
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.