If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
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Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
It be like that sometimes 😆
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in