dictator is short for richard potato
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Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news