*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
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Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
My inexpensive home security system…
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go