If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
You Might Also Like
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
road rage
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
🤣
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”