Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
You Might Also Like
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one