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A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.