6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
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I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with