Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
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Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.