Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
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does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day