“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
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Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.