John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
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*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.