Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
You Might Also Like
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Lmao 🤣
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors