gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
You Might Also Like
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁