[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
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People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
every college guy’s fridge
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?