Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
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My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.