It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
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It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
haha same
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!