What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
You Might Also Like
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
*pronounces patio like ratio
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.