wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
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Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Look at this
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.