This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
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When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Seas the day!!!!
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.