Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
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saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Welcome to the stomach
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
This rocks