There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
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slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
That eye roll….
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too