Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
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The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
shit just got real
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.