When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
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[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.