Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
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[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Me trying to look natural in photos
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
This fish is cracking me up
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.