If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
You Might Also Like
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”