Oh we’ve met.
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The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Dammit Chief not again
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..