Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
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my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.