I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
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Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Twitter remains undefeated
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”